Pregnancy after loss
Hey mama-bear,
For the next few podcast episodes, I’m taking some of my fav moments from the Fertility Mind-Body Mastery coaching calls to share with you (!!!)
Maybe you wonder how mind-body medicine and life coaching works -- and how it can help you get pregnant. Well… you get to hear it first-hand!
A few of my clients have given me full permission to share, in hopes that it will help you find peace with your mind and body as you prepare to create life and magic within you ✨
Today’s podcast is about: Pregnancy after loss
Finding out your pregnant after loss includes excitement commonly coupled with anxiety.
Thoughts of, “I’m supposed to be happy. I don’t want to waste this time. I shouldn’t be afraid because I’ll harm the pregnancy.”
Whether you’re pregnant now after loss… or are planning (very soon) to be pregnant once again – then this podcast is for you.
There is a way through this tender time. You don’t have to suffer through it with “shoulding” and toxic positivity. I got you mama-bear.
And I’ll be honest with you – when I got pregnant with my son after having a miscarriage, I had a lot of anxiety. And this conversation with my beautiful client actually HEALED me.
It’s a gentle, yet powerful conversation about an important topic that needs to be discussed and explored.
Xo Spenser
Listen to the full episode:
full episode transcript:
Welcome to the Fertile Ground podcast with Spenser Brassard. The only podcast that teaches you how to get your mind and body on board so you can get your baby on board. And now, here's your host, mind-body fertility expert and certified Life Coach Spenser Brassard.
Hey mama bear, I hope you are truly enjoying your summer. We are having our hottest summer yet here in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. We are breaking records all the time and I'm honestly loving every minute of it. My little raised garden is arriving. I've just picked some beans. My one year old, my 16 month old is helping me pick beans and cucumbers and tomatoes.
He thinks that the tomatoes are balls and wants to pick out all of them, even though they're not ready yet, but I love having him involved; so special. I'm thrilled to be here in your ear, teaching you how to get pregnant without it taking over your life. So I'm actually going to do something different here for the next few podcasts episodes.
I'm actually going to be sharing some live coaching sessions from my group coaching program. Fertility Mind-Body Mastery. Not only do I want you to know how powerful life coaching is, but how much compassion and grace it offers you on the fertility journey. It's too easy to be so hard on yourself.
Always feeling like you're never doing enough and reaching for that impossible state of perfection in hopes that, that aim will help you to finally see those two pink lines. But my highest intention for you is to truly see and feel your worth before getting pregnant. And that is, ironically, what very often can attract that experience of pregnancy to you.
These women, who you are about to listen to have given me full permission to share these coaching conversations, which is so sweet of them. But I did bleep out their names just to respect their privacy. So today's coaching topic is pregnancy after loss. This is such a tender topic and a tender life experience.
I went through it and for me it wasn't easy. Pregnancy after loss can be anxiety inducing, which then leads you to have anxiety over having anxiety. It's this loop of trying to control how you feel, which only makes matters feel so much worse. So on this coaching call, I very gently coached my amazing newly pregnant client after she experienced a loss last year. Our coaching conversation is slow in order to be very present for her experience. I coach her on deciding what she truly wants to believe during her pregnancy instead of what she's supposed to or should be believing. I want you to notice how I'm guiding her and giving her space to decide what's best for her mind and body and what feels true to her unique makeup, right. To her body and why that is most important as opposed to what we should culturally be believing according to other people. So I honestly love this conversation and it healed a bit of my experience through coaching her. So without further ado, here is my amazing, beautiful client.
Spenser: Okay. So one thing I want to first tackle for sure. Number one is you worry about stressing your body out. Right? Cause it's like, I feel like that belief is what keeps the anxiety going. What fuels the anxiety it's like gas. Right? Right. So is that really true? That when you worry, you stress your body.
Client: I feel like the answer is supposed to be no, but that's, I think, I think in my head, I think the answer is yes.
Spenser: Okay. So, so I want to restructure this a little bit. If I worry I'll affect what?
Client: If I worry I'll affect my, what I'm feeling right now is I'll affect my body's ability to just sustain this pregnancy.
Spenser: Yeah. Now, if I were to change that thought, if I worry, I'll affect my body's ability to sustain this pregnancy. Is that really true?
Client: I don't know.
Spenser: Right? Yeah. You can't know for sure if that's true. And what happens when you believe?
Client: I just, I feel like I can't celebrate this moment.
Spenser: Tell me more about that.
Client: I think I get frustrated with myself that like, whenever someone says congratulations or acknowledges it at all, I kind of am like, well, it's still early. Like I'm kind of not giving it credibility for some reason.
Spenser: And what does it feel like when you do that? When you discredit?
Client: I don't know that the word is shame, but it's almost like. Um, I don't know. There's a part of me that wants to like, make people feel comfortable that I'm not like a hundred percent believing that this time it's gonna work.
Spenser: Is that something that you are wanting other people to believe, or you're also wanting yourself to be convinced of?
Client: I don't know that I necessarily want other people to believe it. I guess I just want to believe it for myself.
Spenser: So what do you want to believe? What a great question.
Client: Yeah. I don't know really though.
Spenser: Yeah. Such a great question. In the sense of like, you know, you've heard of meal plans, right? There's such thing as called a belief plan. And I love the idea of that, in a sense of how often do we ask ourselves, what do we want to believe? So, so easily, it's just a default of what we already believe, which is why we get so stuck. A lot of the times. So, what do you want to believe? Oh, this is a really great question for you right now, because... go ahead.
Client: I was just going to say, I struggle with like, um, and this kind of sounds silly to say, what am I supposed to believe? But it's like, I struggle with asking myself, am I supposed to believe that it's going to be okay because I give myself a better chance that way? Or am I supposed to be more realistic about it in case something happens?
Spenser: Yeah, right. What if we were to allow for this way, how good does that feel in the body?
Client: I think it would feel better because right now I'm just kind of on the one side of it, like trying to believe, but not really actually believing.
Spenser: Yeah. Right. Totally. So then what you want to believe is that I can feel how I feel. I can process what I'm feeling. It's healthy, it's healthy and safe to feel whatever I'm feeling at this moment.
Client: Yeah. I think I struggle with the perfectionist fantasy of being this person that now is in this position and just like trusting, I guess.
Spenser: Right. But what are you trusting? Again, that's another question.
Client: Yeah. Just trusting that. I don't know, knowing that, yeah. That is a question. Cause it's like, it's again, am I supposed to trust that things will work out how it works out regardless of the outcome or trusting that it's going to work. AndI'll get what I want.
Spenser: So what is your body like? What thought does your body like better? How does it feel to trust that it's going to work; to believe that that's what you have to trust in?
Client: It definitely feels better. And it sounds more, um, freeing or less rigid.
Spenser: And so let's play with the other thought - trust that that whatever is going to work and that it will work out no matter what happens. What does that feel like on the body?
Client: No, it feels heavier for sure. Yes. Cause it just doesn't feel like I'm actually trusting at that point. It kind of just feels like, well, I guess it feels like surrender, but in the bad way, like that I'm giving up.
Spenser: Okay. Gotcha. Right, right. So do you trust that it will work right now?
Client: That it will work being that I'll be able to sustain the pregnancy. I have no idea.
Spenser: Right. So, but that's what you would like to believe, you would like to trust that it's going to work.
Client: Yeah.
Spenser: Okay. Well, from that perspective, though, if we go into just trusting that it will work out, regardless of workout, what workout means, what does that feel like?
Client: That feels like the good kind of surrender.
Spenser: Right, yeah, that's so funny how you say that, so true though. There's like the fake phony baloney surrender, and then there's like the good surrender, the real surrender, the true surrender. So I think where we need to go from this point is, is, is what thoughts feel best for your body? Not your mind because perfectionism lives in the mind. Okay. So when I asked, what do you want to believe? The thought that we curated together is I'm safe to feel whatever I'm feeling at this moment. It's safe. And in fact, it's not only safe, it's healthy. Really going along the lines of what Grace said is these children are not coming wanting to come into like perfectly peace and harmony and hippie and flower crown in the field. And, you know, like what we had imagined pregnancy would be like. They want to know that there's space to feel. And if they, I really truly do believe that, like, I really believe that at my core and in my heart. What human being does not want to be raised with a space to feel. So how do we demonstrate that is, we give that to ourselves. So it's, I'm not only safe to feel this, but it's actually very healthy to feel whatever I'm feeling at this moment. And so when it comes to that word trust, it's almost like trusting that those moments will come. Right?
Client: Yeah, yeah. Cause I feel like, yeah, I was just going to say that I feel like saying the, I'm okay to feel what I feel it's like, but I'm still hopeful to have more of the good feelings than the worried or stressed out ones.
Spenser: Right. And it isn't bad to be hopeful for that?
Client: No.
Spenser: So where does the resistance lie? Not believing you're not present enough?
Client: Yeah. Um, well, I mean, I'm being present if I'm feeling one way or another, but...
Spenser: Yaaaas, I'm present if I'm feeling one way or another. Magic.
Client: I just don't want to feel the bad ones anymore. I do just want that. I don't know. I just there's, there's also part of me. That's like,
Spenser: If you don't make the, if we don't label it as bad, then what's left? This is deep shit.
Client: Yeah. I think, I think what that makes me think of is that I also don't want to waste this time because should things work out it's like, I will then have a baby forever. And then, you know, as things go on, pregnancy might get harder. So it's like, I feel like I'm not, I don't know if it's not being present, but not cherishing the moments that I have right now as good ones.
Spenser: Yeah.
Client: I'm just kind of.
Spenser: I get that to a certain extent, because I believe that loss is trauma. And we, when we say, I want to be able to cherish this, we're not honoring. that moment. And ironically, the outcomes of this different type of thinking is more cherished moments because right now there's just resistance of having you should be, how you should be feeling, how you should be believing what you should be thinking. Right. So right now we're just getting rid of all the shoulds, stick with me on this, right? Like I'm not just saying this because I want you to feel like shit, I'm saying this because I know how to let go of that resistance in that sense. So what if your child was there saying, you know, I'm, uh, you know, I'm, I'm going through this time and I don't wanna, I don't want to be sad cause I feel like I'm wasting time. What would you say? That's actually such a great point. That's a, that's another kind of layer. The words, not feeling things.
Client: I mean, I think I would just be the most caring as possible and tell them that you can meet... it's better to feel exactly what you're feeling instead of trying to feel something else.
Spenser: Yes, why?
Client: It's more authentic. It's going to, I don't know. I feel like it puts you more on the path of really understanding yourself and where life will actually take you. And that is being more present in general. I think, I always think that being present means you're supposed to be happy and grateful in that moment.
Spenser: No presence. The presence is peace and presence is not happiness. Peace and happiness are two different things. And in a sense, and Eckhart always says that, like Eckhart Tolle, right. He he's, he, he thinks happiness is the most ridiculous place to aim for because we are doing life. So as you can tell, like, as we're doing this thought work and really kind of energetically letting go of all of the resistance that you had to being where you are, there is a sense of peace that's coming over you, right? Not necessarily really happiness, not necessarily ahhhh I'm pregnant, but peace. So what if that was what you gave yourself in pregnancy? Okay. Peace. Not happiness, not despair, but you know, peace is kind of that rocking point, the slate. What does it feel like to kind of shift the goal or the intention? Maybe not the goal, but the intention behind how I, my intention behind this pregnancy is to feel peace. Not needing to be this perfectionist fantasy of flower fielding with a boho dress, not, you know, crippled with anxiety, but feeling at peace.
Client: Yeah. That word pretty much describes what the goal or intention would be because it doesn't limit it to feeling one way or another but just letting emotions or feelings come as they want and not having resistance to them.
Spenser: And again, trusting that those moments will pass, you know, if we are going to do, if there's one thing we need to do when we're feeling our feelings and really allowing ourselves to be more authentic and putting you on the path of really understanding yourself and being where life actually wants to take you, is trusting that they will pass. Cause if you don't believe that you will not do it. I mean, you will, but it won't be as flowing as you would potentially like. So tell me. So you, you actually stated in my opinion, a beautiful definition of peace being more authentic, and it puts you on the path of really understanding yourself and where life will actually take you. And that is being present in general. How amazing is that? Like, that takes all the pressure off.
Client: Yeah.
Spenser: And I'm so grateful that you have this community and you're able to do this because I was crippled with anxiety during pregnancy, and didn't have a platform to, even though I'm a coach, coaches need coaches. And I guess if I could say anything, it's just, I'm so happy that you have this outlet to get what you're feeling out, because I feel like so much of my anxiety, it was just keeping it inside and not knowing where to put it.
Client: Yeah. And that's part of why that part of the question that I, I know that if I didn't have that piece, part of it, that I was that we've known thought through. It's like, I knew that I was just going to, okay. Obviously my goal right now is just to get to eight and a half weeks and then 12 weeks. And then, you know, there's always just going to be a new hurdle that's going to make me feel less present, feel of that peace. And I just wanted a shift in how my, my mind was working. So that way it wasn't always, uh, looking forward instead of just being here.
Spenser: Right. So instead of. Can that looking forward or at least, you know, not necessarily all, but if you allow it for yourself to look forward, how much more peace does that bring you? Instead of saying I shouldn't be doing that.
Client: I think it depends on the intention I'm setting about looking forward.
Spenser: Totally. Okay. So then let's get clear on that because I'm going, I'm sorry, but when you're pregnant, you're like I am in 27.3 weeks and that's just how it goes until...
Client: Especially with all these apps.
Spenser: I remember, I didn't even, did I have an app. I don't know. Um, I remember after I had my son, I was like, I still think I was like counting the weeks. I was like, oh, 42 weeks. And it was like, your baby's here, like wait, but I was so in the habit of it, of counting that down to a sense. So what can your intention be behind, or if the action is moving forward, what's the thought behind it that we can give it and filter it through a more peaceful energy?
Client: I don't know yet. I guess, comparing what I feel now, the intention is like, I'm hoping that once you get to a new week, it's like some certain amount of relief for some reason, or I don't, I don't, I don't really know what it is, but the intention, I don't, I don't yet know what the intention I'd like to have behind it.
Spenser: I think believing anything, I think where your relief lies, you know, is it really true that relief lies in something outside of ourselves? I mean to a certain point, I'm just going to be fucking real. Like I had, um, like meditations or visualizations, very strong, spiritual, um, experiences where I felt like I had my baby and it was like an insane amount of relief that I felt. So I do believe you can tap into that before actually getting better pregnant. And so, you know, we still have to kind of validate that there is relief that does come from that ultrasound. Right? Like I just need to validate that. Right. Cause sometimes it's, it's more just like, I feel this, oh, I feel this. Oh, I don't know if I should be thinking that. I dunno if I should be the, you know, that is what does it, as opposed to just being the boat, right? Yeah. So are you waiting for relief or can you tap into. Though. I mean, tell me what relief is. Let's get down to it, this is a big fucking word when you're trying to get it.
Client: Yeah, I guess I don't know the word that comes into my head relief. I, I just, I, I want to feel relieved by trusting. I don't, I don't know that there's any other word that, I don't know what else I'm trying to feel relieved of.
Spenser: Okay. Beautiful.
Client: Trusting or believing? I don't know.
Spenser: Great. Okay. So let's do trusting. Cause I agree. I think that I want to write a book about trust just because it's that big of a topic. And I think that if we all just trusted, we would be happy, no suffering.
Client: But I don't really know who I'm trying, who or what I'm trying to trust.
Spenser: That's what we're going to get into. Right. Okay. Awesome. So who can you trust right now?
Client: Um, myself and my doctor. I got, I definitely did get an insane amount of trust after we had our appointment. Our appointment was after last coaching call. When I had asked about that trip and my doctor made me feel like just, I was already feeling really great, but my doctor, you know, when I said, by the way, I'm going to Africa and she was like, have fun. Like she just like, I don't know. She just made me feel really good. And so that's, I guess that's the kind of relief that makes me trust.
Spenser: Okay. Beautiful. So relief then is not a circumstance as much as it is about these little tiny moments throughout your day. Relief is your husband saying, go lay on the couch. I'm cooking tonight. Relief is when my husband says sleep in, I'll get the baby. Relief is finding $20 in your pocket. Why can't relief be these small moments throughout our day that instead of this big, huge milestone event relief is thinking you lost something and then finding it. That's awesome. Right? So then setting an intention. Um, choosing to experience feel and see relief throughout your day. Right? Because we have it all the time, but we don't make a note of it. And so this is a great lesson for every single one of you guys listening, and every single one of you on the call, if you're watching the replay, is I want to feel relief. That's the number one feeling we want to feel, um, when we're on the fertility journey and when we're wanting to, you know, when we're pregnant and even when you have your baby right. Relief that your baby had a good sleep or at least that your baby's fed properly. Relief that there's a clean diaper, relief that they're happy. I mean, it goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on. So why can't we instead give ourselves those moments of relief? So a really good exercise at the end of the day is to find moments, at least three moments of relief throughout your day.
Client: I think that's what I'm kind of struggling with getting past,or that is at least interesting that as I'm thinking through this, I feel like relief before has always come from other things happening that I get to feel relief from instead of me acknowledging that it's happening already.
Spenser: Exactly. And then what that's going to do is, is to establish trust. You're going to be like, oh, okay. Oh, okay, cool. I don't have to do everything. Find relief in every little moment, I feel like this conversation needs to be like a podcast or something because it's such a common feeling, everything that you're feeling when you're, um, pregnant after loss, it's just like, *pffff* and I would've done anything for this type of support. I mean, if I get pregnant again, I, I will get support in that sense, because otherwise it just lives up here. So anything like, just that's relief.
Client: Yeah. And I like what you said, I guess I just, I don't know if you have suggestions for different visualizations or meditations to do, to have that, that connection, but that definitely is something that I I long for more of, is just connecting with the baby that I do have now. And not really like...
Spenser: That will come. That will come. I wouldn't put any pressure on that to happen in the first. Yeah. Um, it doesn't need to happen right now. You guys are both. I would say if I'm like being really spiritual and esoteric right now, you guys are both in, like, you're not the only one in a little bit of a funk right now because your baby is also becoming a human, like that's a weird place to be in spiritually. So like, just let for those first three months are supposed to be a little bit of a mess. I believe it, I believe that is like intuitively. That's what I believe for both of you. Like that's the thing is we have to understand that there are two spirits, two souls, potentially three, if we include the partner, but they're not going through the physical aspect of it as much as the two of you are. Like, let's include the baby. Let's let's give the baby space to be a little bit of a mess, right? But comfort wise, if you're wanting to feel comfort, just visualize your womb as a very safe, cozy, warm space. When you're in the bathroom, the shower, just like a daily practice of just seeing it as pink and cozy and sticky, and I always like to see mine, like glittering, like glittery and sparkles.
Client: Yeah. That's what I had told you when I told you that I found out and done that meditation. Yeah.
Spenser: Then why would you not continue with it? Yeah. So reference back to that and you continue. Beautiful. Well, that's awesome. So good, you guys this call was so good.
Client: Thank you.
Spenser: You're welcome. Thanks for tuning in. If you want to fast track your mind body connection, you can sign up for free fertility mindset trainings at www.spenserbrassard.com.