Are you a people-pleaser wanting to set boundaries?
Hey mama-bear,
Women are conditioned to be people pleasers.
We’ve been conditioned to be at everyone’s beck and call. To buy the organic food, prepare the delicious farm-fresh dinner, to be the last one sitting at the table while the rest of the family is halfway done their meals -- and then… we clean up the kitchen.
And if we don’t? We’re selfish.Wtf.
At least, that’s what the monkey mind convinces you of.
This inherited expectation, can weigh heavily on your mind-body and wreak havoc on your nervous system.
It’s an unnecessary and very heavy responsibility that can be adjusted and overcome with one word: Boundaries.
We talk A LOT about boundaries in our Fertility Mind-Body Mastery calls. It comes up a ton because women are discovering their worth and realizing that they’ve repressed their fucking exhaustion around doing it all.
They’re ready for change, and it all begins in the mind.
Cause if not… if you’re meeting everyone else’s needs... where’s the time for YOU? And eventually, where’s the time for BABY?
Don’t wait for your baby to let go of people pleasing. In today’s podcast, I coach a wonderful client on the resistance she’s feeling around setting firm boundaries. Cause:
1. Wanting boundaries is fantastic.
2. Learning how to get your mind on board is vital.
It’s a lively and fun conversation about why setting boundaries isn’t about you being a cold bitch. In fact, it’s not even about you, as much as it is about the other person. But you’re gonna have to listen in to learn exactly what I mean
Xo Spenser
Listen to the full episode:
full episode transcript:
Welcome to the Fertile Ground podcast with Spenser Brassard. The only podcast that teaches you how to get your mind and body on board so you can get your baby on board. And now here's your host, mind-body fertility expert and certified Life Coach, Spenser Brassard.
Hey mama bear, I'm here for another amazing fertile ground podcast episode, where I teach you the mind-body approach to getting pregnant, right? The mind-body approach, meaning how can we get out of our analytical, um, masculine left side of the brain and how can we teach our spirits and our souls and our energy and our attention to drop into our body so that we can be more present, right.
In our experience and in our life instead of, um, and I'll use my own experience obsessing about getting pregnant. Right. And so how can we begin to bring the mind body approach into conception. And that's exactly what I teach you inside of my podcast and in my program, uh, Fertility Mind-Body Mastery. So not only do I teach you the mind-body approach to getting pregnant, which is a very gentle, compassionate approach to conception. Um, but also to do it without it taking over your life. I mean, how easy is it to become, like I said, obsessed with finding the answer and figuring out what you're doing wrong, which then leads to you thinking and believing that everything you're doing is wrong. Um, so instead my approach is much more, like I said, compassionate in learning to find what is right and what is working and shifting your focus off of everything that's wrong because where focus goes energy flows.
So, today we are featuring yet another incredible client of mine and one of our coaching sessions during the Fertility Mind-Body Mastery coaching call. And featuring this conversation specifically, because I just love this client. I mean, God, I love all of them, but because so many of the women who come to me are self-proclaimed people-pleasers. People pleasing is serving everyone else but you, and wanting to be loved and needed by everyone too. People pleasing weighs heavily on the mind and the body as you hold responsibility for everyone else. Boundaries are a huge step to transforming and overcoming people pleasing so that you can care and nurture for yourself in order to have a beautiful, healthy, happy life. And of course, create optimum fertility within your being.
This conversation, what I love about it is that it was fun and engaging. I mean, we laughed a lot and I'm really wanting you to see how doing the inner work on the fertility journey is not just about sadness and suffering, the joy and the excitement and laughter can start now. Of course, I'd love to coach you personally, and the only way for this to happen is for you to apply for Fertility Mind-Body Mastery, is the only way you can get coached by me. And you can find the application form in www.spenserbrassard.com.All right, so here it is, a wonderful conversation on people pleasing and setting boundaries.
Here we go.
Spenser: How are you?
Client: I’m good. Thanks.
Spenser: Good.
Client: This call is awesome you guys, such amazing feeling to be speaking from my heart, my mind too.
Spenser: I know, right? It's like there's one mind. Yeah.
Client: How similar, especially considering how alone you feel so much in this process, you know?
Spenser: Yeah. This community is amazing. While you, you did it for yourself, girl.
Client: Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. Um, so this is, um, there's like probably a lot of layers to unpack, but I think what I kind of like would like help with it. Um, how do I recognize it when it steps over? Um, you know, what I do for a career is, you know, helping and caring, I love that. Um, I think that is a lot of my heart. Um, and it does make me feel good. Um, but I've certainly created an environment at the job I'm at, um, where it's a somewhat smaller group. Um, you know, that people come to me and it's sometimes it's work-related, but a lot of times it's personal, you know, people bring sort of their problems or complaints or, um, struggles to me. And I think I've always felt really honored that people trust me that way. But when I've sort of tried to put up boundaries to protect myself, um, because I was definitely, um, like Andrea mentioned earlier, you know, I come home completely depleted. Um, and even if I haven't had that hard of a work day, I still come home really depleated. And I'm trying to figure out, like, where does that come from? Um, and last Friday I happened to notice that it was maybe like six or seven of my coworkers came up to me and had something that they wanted to tell me about. And I don't think any of them asked me about me at all. Um, but I didn't notice that till after, like, I think I've just kind of allowed or created these relationships where like I'm the caretaker or the receiver and not, you know, so, and I don't want to stop doing that because I, that is part of me, but I know I need to limit it somehow.
Spenser: Well, you're not the receiver. You're the giver.
Client: Good point, right? I guess, I am sorry. I'm thinking like antenna, like I'm like no, that's a very good point. There's not a lot of receiving going on for sure. Um, so...
Spenser: So you're wanting to know when you cross the line between helping, because you genuinely want to versus overextending to people, please.
YClient: eah.
Spenser: Okay. So what happens when you overextend to people, please, your body gives you signs of exhaustion.
Client: Yes.
Spenser: Okay. So what we need to do is we just literally need to give yourself time to become conscious of it in the moment. Okay. So is there ever a time where someone comes to you and you're like, Ugh, but you don't, you just put it up?
Client: Yeah, for sure.
Spenser: Okay. And so what would be a, if who's someone that you would really admire, but speaks their truth and like still doesn't people please, but like, has the good balance. Do you know anyone in your life that does that?
Client: My sister-in-law, who I actually work with.
Spenser: Um, awesome. So you have the perfect example.
Client: Excellent boundaries. Like I want her to be my boundary coach. Like she is, she's like, she just lives boundaries. And people really like are still, you know, it, it's not like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Spenser: So how would she respond to someone who's like, oh, come here. I need to tell you something, blah, blah, blah. Like, how would she respond?
Client: I think, um, she's like very direct, you know, like where, if someone was say someone was coming to me and saying like, oh, I'm really struggling with my husband, we're arguing about this and that she would. I was just being a dick, just don't answer him or something. Where I would be like, oh, well, why, why do you think he says that? Or where do you think that comes from? Or, you know, like, I'm kind of trying to like, I don't know.
Spenser: What are you trying to do? It's a very good question to ask yourself.
Client: It's a very good question. Yeah. Um, I used to really want to solve the problem for people like take away the pain, take away the struggle. Um, and I, yeah, to fix, I'm a fixer. Um, and I do still want to do that, but I, after doing work on, you know, some work and learning some things, I've kind of learned to put the ball back in their court a little bit, but I'm still expending energy, you know, to kind of go through that with them. Um, so yeah, I guess. It's two-fold like she would probably give a very direct answer and response and be very clear and confident about how, you know, her, her opinion. Um, but she also, I don't think would carry it around with her after. She doesn't seem to do that as much with like colleagues, let's say.
Spenser: So what's your resistance to giving them a short answer?
Client: It feels awkward to me. I feel like they expect more, but it's probably me inserting that.
Spenser: What's wrong with awkward? Why is awkward a bad thing?
Client: I'm not good at awkward. Um, no one is, no one is ,right. Yeah. Um, I hate silences, like, uh,
Spenser: So do I, would you do awkward for yourself though? Would you feel awkward for yourself?
Client: Yeah.
Spenser: For more energy at the end of the day?
Client: Yeah, I know that I can, cause I've done it in little ways. Um, like at lunch now I put my headphones on right away. I listen to a podcast or whatever, and it's funny because some people will leave me alone. Some people still come up and talk to me and I have to say like, pause my whatever and say, oh, sorry, what was that? And people sometimes still kind of, you know, um, want to talk. I did it at lunch today actually. And I answered just like kind of quickly and then put the air phone right back in. And I felt awful doing that. Like, I didn't like that. Well, I shouldn't say that - I felt awkward. Yeah. Like I felt like that wasn't me. Right? Like I'm the listener, I'm the helper.
Spenser: But are you? We're gonna have to change a little bit of the definition of what a listener and a helper is, right. In the sense of, I think really tying back to kind of the conversation we had with Taylor, of feeling like you need to fix this person and feeling like they're broken and they need you. People pleasers often hate to not be needed.
Client: Yeah, it's true. I enjoy that. Yeah. In a way. Yeah.
Spenser: Right. And so a conversation I had with her is no one in the whole world needs you, right?
Client: Yeah. I don't love it, but yeah. Okay. All right.
Spenser: No one does.
Client: Right. Yeah.
Spenser: Well, it's not a life or death of they need you. So it sounds to me like the obstacle here is awkward. And what's so bad about that? Boundaries are awkward. They are, especially at the beginning because you've been this person and now you're not, and now it's kind of like, okay, well, who are you? It's awkward for everyone. Yeah. Is your self worth, self care, self love, worth moments of awkward?
Client: Yeah. I mean, it's the reason I'm doing it because I've obviously, you know, it's, it's occurred to me that it isn't working the other way. Um, and, and, you know, part of what I want to do while I'm, you know, waiting to become a parent or waiting, you know, I'm waiting, um, is to make my life the way that I would want it to be when I am a mother. Right. So I can't. I could easily choose boundaries for my child. Like that feels a lot more authentic than choosing boundaries for me.
Spenser: Right. Right. So if someone said, well, I don't want to set a boundary mom, because it's going to be awkward. You'd be like, yeah, and? Right. Standing up for our, for what we want, what we need in a culture that's constantly telling you to put everyone else first. Is awkward. It's awkward following your nature at first.
Client: Yeah. Yeah. It definitely is, I think
Spenser: It's awkward going against culture.
Client: Yeah. Oh for sure. It's yeah. And it's, it's definitely, like you said, you know, being a, sort of a different version of me, um, you know, these people have really accepted me as, you know, sort of the older version of me. Um, and a lot of them like her, I think, so I think that's part of it, too. What you're saying. Like, I I'm, I'm afraid of not being needed. I'm afraid of them not coming to me. I'm afraid, you know, um, you know, that's been my thing for a long time, um, before fertility, before any of it.
Spenser: Right. I think it's reframing those thoughts and believing that you are needed in order for them to succeed. And that being there for others is the only way. Where you can be a purpose for others, meaning there are multiple ways we can be there for others and serve others that doesn't involve us. People pleasing. That doesn't involve, involve us and never involves us going above percupis.
Client: Yeah. I guess maybe taking the time in the moment is a good start to, you know, like really saying do I feel good about this conversation? Do I feel true? I feel…
Spenser: You'll know. Trust your body. Yeah. You'll know if you feel trapped, you, you know that achy feeling, ugh her again, right? So awkward means not, oh, awkward means people aren't going to like me. Right. Awkward means I'm following my nature.
Client: Okay.
Spenser: Awkward is fertile as fuck.
Client: Okay. I like that. Yeah. Great. Awkward is fertile as fuck.
Spenser: So now every time you have an awkward experience instead of going, uhhhh I gotta give more of myself away. You go, Oh, awkward. Awesome. So give me a couple of reason why awkward means you're following your nature or that I'm, that awkward is fertile as fuck. Why is awkward fertile as fuck? Um, I love this conversation.
Client: Um, well I think awkward can be fertile as fuck if it, um, frees up my energy so that at the end of the day I can do something I like.
Spenser: Yes. Oh my God. Yeah. So at the end of the day I could do something I like and feel pleasure. Give me another reason.
Client: Um, it allows me the, um, I guess the ability to be there for the people who I really do want to be there for, um, like the, it, which, which is really important to me, you know, like my internet relationships, I do want to be there for those people. I do want to be invested in their lives, but I'm invested in, you know, 4,000 people's lives. It's harder to give to those three or five people that I really want to give to. So that's a good one.
Spenser: It's a really good one. Have one more?
Client: Yeah, I'm more, um, awkward is fertile as fuck because I can, I will be able to teach my children.
Spenser: Hmm. Totally. To allow themselves to be weird, to be different, to be unique.
Client: Yeah. I mean, I really, I, it's funny in one of the letters I had to write for our adoption application, I said, I will support this child to, to fulfill their dreams and live and be the person they want to be and find their joy, follow their joy, you know, and I, I really meant that. And I don't think I would have even known to want that for someone seven years ago, eight years ago, you know? A new generation of women, especially who don't feel beholden to saying what everybody else thinks and wants and needs.
Spenser: Same, and it's kind of like we're going through the awkward phase for them.
Client: Yeah. Yeah. And I guess I'll take that for my kids, for sure.
Spenser: Totally. To change that up, right? Yeah. Change that generational pattern up.
Client: Switch the thought. Yeah.
Spenser: Totally. Um, one reason why I love, I think awkward is fertile as fuck is because it's like, I don't have to control. Like awkward. Isn't wasn't done by me. It's both parties that create awkwardness and that's just, it, it just exists. I don't have to control it. How nice is that? When awkward can be, can be there, can exist. No need to control. That's why it's fertile as fuck. Cause it's a weird emotion and I'm letting it be there and that's fertile as fuck.
Client: Right, it's human too. And you're right that it's a two-way street for sure. It's not my responsibility or anything if they aren't reading the signs. Like I would never start a conversation with someone with headphones in.
Spenser: Oh my God. That's so like, they're awkward. You're not awkward.
Client: Okay. I like that. It's true.
Spenser: If we're constantly trying to stop making things awkward then we're constantly manipulating, controlling; instead of just taking responsibility for making this feel awkward when it's really everyone in the rooms.
Client: Right. Yeah. The freedom of that is great and control is an issue for me too, so I can see how they go hand in hand.
Spenser: Awkward is also funny. Like now that we're kind of peeling the onion. I'm like, it's kinda funny. Like you're, you'll be like, well, that was awkward and just laugh to yourself. Yeah, there's so many awkward moments that you laughed so hard at where someone says something really like uncomfortable and everyone just bursts out laughing and it ... awkward can be hilarious, so there's, when we allow ourselves to play with what awkward is and how it's fertile all of the energy and the tightness can let go. And now your homework is to go and create some really awkward moments at work. Oh my God. That's awesome. Doesn't it? Like, see it's giggly.
Client: It is, it feels, it feels good now and it feels, you know that it's that it feels natural. It's true.
Spenser: It is, awkward is natural. And when things get awkward, that's not on me. That's not all on me. Yeah, I love that. That's so funny when someone comes up to you and tries to talk to you and you're busy, that's them creating the awkwardness, not you.
Client: Yeah. I like that perspective. That helps a lot. So it doesn't feel like I'm letting them down. It feels like they chose to come into the situation where I wasn't present
Spenser: Available.
Client: Yeah.
Spenser: Yeah. You gave all the signs that I'm not available and they still came in to it. It's awkward for them not you. And see, then that's a healthy sense of control over the situation. As opposed to just being like, I caused it because I'm not giving them everything I have. That's where we started. And now look where we are. Awesome.
Client: Thanks.
Spenser: I'm going to go create some awkward moments. I mean, that's what happens when you're, when you're a woman changing the world and changing the way things are done, shit gets awkward. Right? Everyone says awkward is authentic. So true.
Thanks for tuning in. If you want to fast track your mind-body connection, you can sign up for free fertility mindset trainings at www.spenserbrassard.com.com.