How to gain a healthy sense of control over your fertility journey.
Hey mama-bear,
Being categorized as a controlling person is not a title that one strives for. And when you’re TTC, you might think it’s the reason why you’re struggling so much.
Many of my clients describe themselves as planners and perfectionists who thrive off of being very productive, getting shit done and doing things the “right” way.
And honestly, these qualities can be beneficial in life and can help you to create what you want.
But what happens, when things don’t come as easily, like making this baby, no matter how hard you try? - How hard you try to “perfect” things like your diet, and how hard you try to control the situation.
I’ll speak for myself and the hundreds of clients that I’ve worked with… it’s incredibly frustrating.
Initially, you might even try to control more. More diet restrictions. More sacrifice. More force. At least this is what I did…
Which is a normal and natural tendency when you’re TTC.
But what if I told you there IS a way to have a HEALTHY sense of CONTROL over the journey?
Sounds liberating. Sounds exciting. Sounds fucking amazing, right?
Wanting control isn’t a bad thing. It’s just learning where your control lies and how to use it.
This is exactly what we’re going to talk about in this week’s brand new podcast. We’re chatting all about: How to gain a healthy sense of control over your fertility journey.
We’re gonna cover:
Why human beings want control and what we’re really afraid of.
The difference between unhealthy vs. healthy control.
The physical effects that striving for unhealthy control has on the body, according to research.
How to feel in control of your TTC journey.
It doesn’t matter who you are, your diagnosis or where you are on the journey. You’re going to feel so relieved and empowered after tuning into this one.
Xo Spenser
Listen to the full episode:
Full Episode Transcript:
Welcome to the Fertile Ground podcast with Spenser Brassard. The only podcast that teaches you how to get your mind and body on board so you can get your baby on board. And now here's your host, mind-body fertility expert and certified life coach, Spenser Brassard.
Hey, mama bear. As always, I am so thrilled, so happy, so honored to be here with you today. Guiding and inspiring the life changing and life altering journey towards creating life. As I record this, it's the beginning of Easter weekend. I'm super excited to have some family time this weekend and enjoy the weather. My son Beck is obsessed with outside. We call him our little nature boy, so I'm sure we'll be spending a ton of time out there and just resting and hanging out in each other's presence. Which I think is, honestly, what more could you ask for? Right.
So today I want to talk about a really interesting topic. You know, one that is talked about a lot in the trying to conceive fertility community, and that topic is all about control. I feel like that needed like an echo, like control-Oh-Oh-Oh. Because, Oh, I can't believe I just did that, but because it is so like, Oh my God, who wants that label? Right. Of being controlling. Right. And everyone wants to be, go with the flow, laid back, right. No one wants to be labeled as controlling. It may be you've been told that you're controlling or that you have a type A personality or that you need to be more go with the flow. And now that you're struggling to conceive, you really believe it. You now believe that you're too controlling. And that you need to chill out and just let go of needing to control things. But I want to let you in on something that's going to feel really good to hear. A sense of control is vital to our well being. Wanting control is a universal desire. No matter who you are or what you're going through, you want control. What we come up against is when we want something really bad, we tend to tie our worth to it and we try to control it even more.
So this heightened desire tends to increase the need for control because you believe that the circumstance is going to bring you joy. So you try to control it harder. And I get that, but here's a big misconception about what we think we need control over. We think we want to control the circumstance and what happens around us. We want control over people and to influence the decisions that they make. And of course we want control over our bodies. We think we want control over these outside things, because we believe that this control is what will bring us peace. That's ultimately the drive for more control as we think we'll be happier here. And this is true to a certain extent.
We crave control because when we don't think that we have it, the first thing we feel is helpless. If I look at all of the times in my life, when I felt out of control, I felt incredibly helpless. I also felt scared. Actually, maybe terrified would be a better word for that. And a very distinct feeling I have when I feel out of control is I just feel incredibly trapped. I feel like I'm in jail. Like there's no way out. And I'm a victim to what's happening outside of me and I have no influence over anything. And then this really interesting pattern is also triggered from being out of, from feeling out of control. It's this unconscious tendency I have when I feel, you know, out of control is to try and control even harder. Oh gosh. Right. To force harder. To over effort in this attempt to gain control, to get really aggressive and to make shit happen. Essentially turn on my masculine energy full throttle, right?
And maybe you see this pattern playing out in your fertility journey and you haven't noticed it until now. For example, you get your period and you're more bossy to your partner. You binge for a few days on food and booze, but then limit even more of your lifestyle afterwards, canceling plans and spending most of your days in front of the computer researching what you can do and tightening up and restricting more of your life, and yourself, even more than you already have on this journey. And these feelings of helplessness and attempt to gain control of the circumstance is such a normal and natural reaction to fertility struggles. This is where I spent years, honestly, and it was the most frustrating and stressful thing ever. All of my power, my self-love, my worthiness lied in outside circumstances. Those outside circumstances needed to happen in order for me to feel okay with myself. It was a very conditional relationship that I had with myself. And I think it's because lots of challenges in life involve just, you know, trying or working harder or using more willpower and, you know, hopefully then things will eventually happen. It may be in other parts of your life, like your career and making money and doing well in school. Um, and I know a lot of people and a lot of my clients have said, this is the one thing that I can't just work harder and it doesn't happen.
The fertility journey is a uniquely frustrating situation. From a mind-body perspective, here's what this kind of mind activity around control is doing to the body. This is what feeling helpless triggers. There's a part in your brain that's called the hypothalamus. It plays a vital role in controlling many of our bodily functions, including the release of hormones from the pituitary gland. The hypothalamus mainly controls the flow and timing of reproductive hormones. The kind of stress that comes from feeling like you're helpless and add a control can change the way the hypothalamus arranges these hormones leading to irregularities that tend to interfere with fertility. And studies show that people who feel helpless to change stressful situations are more prone to heart disease and immune system disorders.
Now, maybe after hearing this, the alarm bells are going off inside of your mind and body and your feeling super shitty as this pattern relates to how you've been feeling and you're wondering if there's any way out of this control party. The answer is 100% Yes! There is a successful and proven process to gain a healthy sense of control on your fertility journey, manage your stress and increase fertility. Meaning, you don't have to completely let go of control. Right? You just have to learn where the control lies and how to access it in a healthy way. This is what I am all about. This is what I teach. This is what I live by. This is exactly my jam, but the only way out is to change the way you've been thinking about control is to change your perspective and what you believe control is.
So when you believe that you don't have any control, remember, what do you feel? You feel helpless, terrified, and trapped. Research shows that women who feel more helpless have more illnesses, both mentally and physically and research also shows, and this is the good news - this is the great news! This is where we want to focus because we're focus goes, energy goes, that after these particular women changed the beliefs and feelings and learn how to gain a healthy sense of control over stressful situations, their physical conditions, lessened and changed. Because now they feel powerful, content, and free. And this is exactly what happened to me. And to so many of my clients on the fertility journey to get pregnant and, or live an incredible life because learning how to gain a healthy sense of control over their fertility journey is, like I said, 100% my thing, it is literally my specialty. So right now you believe that the only way you'll gain control is to make the circumstance change. For example, if you get pregnant, if that person changes the way they behave, if your boss stops being such an asshole, if you lose the weight, right? AKA, if the circumstance changes and if everything outside of you goes exactly as you want it to go. Oh man, wouldn't that be nice? Right. And without awareness, you're really saying, and you're emitting the energy that I won't be happy or feel in control unless these particular things happen. And unless these events, you know, unfold in this particular way, This is what I would categorize as unhealthy control as we try to manipulate the outside world in order to feel safe because the first step of gaining a healthy sense of control is recognizing that we do not always have control over people, places, and things that live outside of us. We can not 100% control how other people behave, the timeline of our lives. Command our bodies, et cetera. And if we do believe that that is our responsibility and if it doesn't happen, who's to blame? It's yourself. And so then the spiral continues.
It's also unhealthy because of the pattern that this attempt at, you know, outside control creates more forced, more over efforting, more attempt at control and what I've learned as a certified life coach and my eight year long fertility journey, and what research has proven is that all of our fear and anxiety does not come from the actual circumstance of not getting pregnant. It doesn't come from that fear of not getting pregnant. Your monkey mind might tell you that the circumstance is what you're afraid of, that that event is what you're afraid of. But research and modern day psychology teaches us that humans are afraid of how that circumstance will make them feel. That's what us as human beings are really afraid of - is if that circumstance were to happen, what would that feel like? And a lot of the times on the fertility journey, the circumstance of not getting pregnant when you want stirs up, of course, a lot of the feelings of shame, unworthiness, unacceptance, fear of being loved and not enough to your partner, your friends and your family.
What I specialize in and what I teach inside of Fertility Mind-Body Mastery, which is my group program that is absolutely amazing, is changing that negative and untrue mental story. It's changing that negative thought pattern that is constantly reinforcing and reminding you that you're not enough and you're not doing enough until you got pregnant. With time, with the incredible community, with the tools that I teach and from the coaching that I give you; and as you start to disbelieve or grieve the thoughts that are creating suffering, as you create new neural pathways and begin to see and believe in your worth as a woman, right fucking now, regardless of pregnancy happening. You start to feel incredibly relieved and detached from pregnancy needing to happen. And it transforms into a happy, healthy desire. And of course, you know, honestly, stress does not disappear because guess what? We are are still humans. Shocking, right? Shit. But now you have the tools to manage your stress. For example, you're not overtaken by pregnancy announcements anymore. A client just posted in the Fertility Mind-Body Mastery Facebook group that one of her friends announced she's pregnant and her response was like night and date from when she started the program. So from this space, with these tools and with this mindset, you now have a healthy sense of control on your fertility journey. With this comes an incredible sense of confidence because you no longer have to micromanage and control everything that happens outside of you or how people behave, because no matter what you now have the tools to get you through it and find your core of peace. Find your center. And this is funny because the women inside of Fertility Mind-Body Mastery, you know they start to feel so different and so confident that it almost scares them because they're afraid of going back to the way things were. So I have to constantly be reminding them that these tools and this mindset, I mean, it's permanent. It is in your soul forever now. You have them for the rest of your life. You will always have them to come back to your peace.
This shift from helpless and uncertainty to confidence, knowing that you can overcome anything is incredibly empowering. It's what I like to call a healthy sense of control over the journey and over your whole fucking a life. And this is what you'll take with you into conception, into pregnancy, which is very important if you've been through pregnancy loss and are afraid in that first trimester, and into motherhood, which is also incredibly important as you learn that you do not need to micromanage your child and allow them to have free will of their life. And beyond - and every other category in career, in family and in friends. When the women inside of Fertility Mind-Body Mastery, regardless of their condition notice how the coaching, the tools and the relaxation techniques that I teach makes them feel better, they instantly experience renewed control. Think about what that would feel like to know that no matter what happens, you can have power, confidence, and control on the fertility journey. And it would be my absolute honor to teach you how to create this for yourself inside of Fertility Mind-Body Mastery. And you can learn more about the program and apply to be a part of it right now, by going to my website at www.spenserbrassard.com.
Imagine what it would feel like to have unshaken confidence in yourself because you know that you can change and shift the energy inside of your fertility journey, either your next fertility treatment, the next time you get your period or the next time you get pregnant after having gone through pregnancy loss. Imagine being no longer phased by what people say or do, because you have the tools to change your response and not be taken out for weeks by it. Imagine feeling empowered, knowing how to influence your body, but to not command her. Imagine knowing how to express your emotions, but not expecting others to change. Do you feel the difference, like do you feel how much lighter the healthy sense of control is and how empowering that is and how present you are allowed to be with that healthy sense of control? The irony and the paradox is that as you learn how to let go of, you know, needing that unhealthy control, you gain all the control. I love saying that. I think people look at me cross-eyed after I say that, but hopefully you understand it after listening to this podcast, but you gain control because with this healthy sense of control your body relaxes, your mind quiets, your heart heals, and excitement is generated within every cell of your body.
When you find confidence, when you exude confidence, life begins to change right before your eyes. As you let go of needing control over every little thing, your mindset and energy switches from force to flow. Events just start working out with little effort. People are kinder and more attracted to you. Your body's symptoms change and adapt to this new energy. And you begin to really, truly love and appreciate yourself. And I think that's the biggest takeaway I've had with this healthy sense of control. In other words, you strengthen your mind, body connection and increase your fertility. I mean, it's a total win, win. All right. That's all for today. Lots of love.