Negativity Bias
Hey mama-bear,
What if I told you that there is a program inside of your brain that is VERY unfair?
It once worked brilliantly for our ancestors, because it ensured they would survive. A program that helped them to live longer, find food and focus on threats, so that YOU could be here right now.
But now-- in 2021 -- this program is a bug 🦠
In today’s podcast, we’re chatting about this internal program called: The Negativity Bias.
It’s the reason we so easily shrug off the raise we received from our boss and talk all night about the co-worker who said the wrong thing.
The reason we get a good fertility report from the doctor and focus on the one hormone that’s normal but “could be better”.
The reason why we can’t sit in emotions of pleasure. Emotions of relief. Emotions of safety and “all is well”.
Because we’re literally HARD-WIRED to focus on the negative.
This can change and strengthen your mind-body connection for fertility. But you’ll have to listen to this week’s podcast to learn the deets 🤗
Inside, you’ll learn how:
To spot the negative bias in your own brain.
The negativity bias affects your nervous system.
The simple process to overcome this programming (even if you’re a perfectionist) to strengthen your mind-body connection and of course, your fertility.
It’s interesting, because what was once necessary for your survival, is now worth changing for the next generation we’re about to bring in. Evolution is pretty damn cool.
xo Spenser
Listen to the full episode:
full episode transcript:
Welcome to the Fertile Ground podcast with Spenser Brassard. The only podcast that teaches you how to get your mind and body on board so you can get your baby on board. And now, here's your host, mind-body fertility expert and certified life coach, Spenser Brassard.
Hey mama bear, as I record it's Friday for me, it's been a bit of a long week. We've moved into our house finally, which feels so good. It's so beautiful. It turned out exactly as I imagined. I love when that shit happens, right! We've got these beautiful off white, creamy cupboards, and gold umm, hardware, that's what it's called, and beautiful wallpaper. It's not all done, but we are settled in and loving the space.
So I am excited for the weekend. You will be listening to this the following week. And so honestly, I just want to get started and jump right in. When I first heard about this. I was super, super relieved. I was like, yes. And I'll teach you why. The topic that I'm going to talk about today is satisfying. It's good news. What we're going to talk about really exposes how the brain automatically works and runs on autopilot when we don't give it intentional direction. And that's really what I want to highlight today.
If you don't learn how to manage your mind, it will manage you. It will literally manage your every move without you even knowing it. So here's an example of how this works on your fertility journey. You get an email from a fertility website, right. And following that they talk about the importance of basal body temperature. So you track your temperature every single morning, even though it drives you absolutely crazy having to wake up at the exact same time every day, even on the weekends. And you notice that every time you take it, it just causes you to over analyze the shit out of your chart and start your day off, stressed. What a wonderful way to start your day.
There's no thought, there's no real intention behind what you're doing. Although you, really what the thought is, is you know, just trying anything to get you pregnant, but it's like throwing things at the wall and hoping something sticks; which I get because I did that for years. But from someone who's come out of this, the other side, I promise you that choosing actions from conscious intention and choosing actions that evoke a desired emotion is everything.
So here's another reason why I don't recommend listening to everything your brain says...and this is what we're going to chat about today. I love that. I don't know. It just felt like good to even say that, don't listen to everything your brain says. It's like, for some reason, if we think of a thought, we're like, oh God shit. Okay. That's, that's true. No, it's not. Just because you have a thought doesn't mean it's true. Right? So this is what we're chatting about today. The reason why I don't want you to listen to everything your brain thinks is because we literally have a built in negativity bias. Scientists believe that this negativity bias has been built into our brains over time from our ancestors who literally had to focus on the negative and what's missing and what's wrong, like food or shelter, otherwise you guessed it. They would die. Right? So over time, this has been programmed into our brain. For example, studies have shown that in a relationship, it takes five good interactions to make up for a single bad one. People will work much harder to avoid losing a hundred dollars then to spend time learning how they could gain that same amount of money.
Painful experiences are much more memorable than pleasurable ones. And oftentimes those painful experiences do come up on the fertility journey, or we reflect on the fertility journey and only see the painful ones. We don't see the pleasurable ones. We don't see, for example, this is a really vulnerable memory for me, but my husband and I, it was at one point in the journey, you know, I don't know when it was, but we just sat and cried together. And we've never done that before. And we haven't since, but it is, and it was a beautiful memory, but I don't know if my brain would have categorized that as a memory. Right. When you think about the fertility journey, it really took time for me to focus on those pleasurable memories because they are inside of the fertility journey, right?
Those exist. So, the best way to sum up the negativity bias is how often we focus on what's wrong and what didn't work, than on what's working. And negativity bias was a feature for the human brain and now a bug. We overreact to the negative and we under react to the positive. So, for example, when you wake up in the morning, do you focus on the little things you've done to support your fertility, your mental and physical health, or do you focus on the one thing that you didn't do?
Do you focus on the meditation you had, the walk you went for, and the vulnerable conversation that you had with your partner, where you felt this beautiful connection. Or do you focus on the vitamins that you missed? It's so true, right? Now my fellow perfectionists will be quite familiar with this one, right, because to perfectionists anything less than a hundred percent is a failure. Like I honestly would be like, okay, did all of these things, but I missed those vitamins, that day was right off. Not going to happen this month. I've automatically count myself up. Talk about a negativity bias, right?
The crazy thing about that is that say, like 75% of the time, you live a truly healthy life, a beautiful life. But when you focus on that 25% of things deemed wrong by diet culture in the fertility industry, what's the fucking point in making that 75% effort if you're not fully receiving the benefits of it.
It's almost like it didn't even happen with a negativity bias. The positive doesn't even happen. So we're not even registering the progress. What a waste, at least that's what it feels like, right? At least that's what it feels to be your reality, even though it's not reality, but that's what matters. Is what are you perceiving as progress on the journey to pregnancy?
Another example is to receive like some good news, right? Maybe a normal report from the doctor or an improved report regarding your fertility. Be happy about it for a hot minute and then keep searching for what's wrong and what needs fixing. Or to see improvement in yourself as a result of lifestyle changes, but then focus on how much more you need to do. Or to get a raise at your job, but then quickly brush it off with, well, Sally got one too, it's no big deal. Ultimately, unless properly tamed, the brain is literally like a magnet for negative experiences and repels positive ones. Like the opposite charge of a magnet. Right. This flux with your whole system of beliefs, which in turn inspire the actions you take, of course, right? And ultimately it just alters your mood at the end of the day.
The real message I want to get across today is that this is just not fair. It's not fair to you. Many aspects of your life, if you're anything like my clients, really are positive, or at the very least, neutral. Every single day wonderful things: the sun on your face, the friendly neighborhood you live in, when your favorite song comes on the radio or in your playlist, the delicious coffee you drink in the morning, the warm bed you sleep in at night. And of course the health you do have, even though this journey mentally breeds the opposite - what's missing and something that must be wrong health wise if you're not pregnant. Besides this being completely unfair to humans in 2021. Allowing negative memories, experiences and biases to pile up over time will naturally make you a more anxious person, more on guard and like my clients described, just waiting for the other shoe to drop, that is the trying to conceive cycle, right?
Anytime you're building momentum and starting to feel good and you're like, Ooh, shoe's going to drop. Right. That resistance is a negativity bias. The beautiful news is that you don't have to fall victim to this bias. By learning truly how to focus and consciously recognizing what's working, you will, 1000% become a healthier and more at peace person.
And undoubtedly, you can rewire your brain to build momentum to what's working on your fertility journey. And I'm going to, just a little side note, write a podcast on momentum because it's just, it's like when things start rolling in and things are starting to feel really, really good, this is what we want to feel into on the fertility journey.
And it's exactly what I did before getting pregnant. I talk a little bit about momentum in the private training that I have on my website, but I'm going to talk more about it and the importance of it, um, sooner in the podcast, but that's totally off topic. But by moving the needle just slightly out of the direction of negativity bias and into the direction of what's working, your whole mind-body connection and nervous system begins to change, to adjust. It has to, because over time and with practice, you are rewiring the neurons in your brain and as many psychologists and, and kind of in the psychology world, neurons that fire together, wire together The more you get your neurons firing about what's working, the more your nervous system will feel at ease and safe. It's inevitable as you take these steps. So I really do focus a lot on this in my group program, Fertility Mind-Body Mastery, because I know how powerful it is to let go of that old story and moving into the new identity, truly write a new identity. It's like, honestly, my client was saying she loves looking at a journal from last year versus now. And she's like, I don't even know who that person was. She's like, I love her. I think like, I, I have compassion for her and empathy, but I don't even know who that is. That isn't me no more. But this new identity of someone who can achieve what she wants to, if that is getting pregnant and having a happy, healthy baby.
And so I believe in that so much that halfway through the program, every woman gets a milestone check-in and in these check-ins, the goal is simply to focus on their progress, to give them time to recognize and celebrate their growth. And what we've noticed is how uncomfortable women are to talk about the positives, all of their progress that they've made and how they've changed.
And this is even if they're pregnant. Okay. Because the negativity bias, resists happiness and peace. Plus there may be some limiting thoughts about cockiness or wanting to be humble. I don't want to talk about how happy I am. And there's probably a lot of thoughts around that. So if you have any of that, you can jot that down. And if you're in Fertility Mind-Body Mastery you could bring those thoughts to our coaching calls and I could coach you on it. So make sure that you recognize any thoughts that are creating resistance to elevated emotional states, right? Such as joy, safety, happiness and ultimately just a feeling that all is well right now.
Now don't get this confused with toxic positivity. Right? It's still important to make note of things that need adjusting. Like for example, let's say you're on a hike, okay. You're with your partner, you still need to take note of any potential threats along the way, like the narrow pathway over water, or like the side of the cliff. Or if your partner isn't being careful. But it's so easy to get caught in the mental story on mental drama about your partner and why he or she is quote, unquote, always crossing the line safety wise. And now you remember all the times that they've done this to you in the past and how frustrated you are to be thinking about that right now.
And now this is what you're thinking about on your breathtakingly, beautiful hike. That's like the brain just out of control. You have every right to notice the negative aspects and share your, you know, share your feelings with your partner. But without going into the red zone, it's like a really beautiful way to describe that, right?
Without making this whole life experience about what's wrong and not what's right. So in order to begin the process of rewiring your brain to search for what's working, you have to learn one very important skill, and yes, this is a skill because it's surprisingly uncomfortable at first. It is very simple.
Everything I teach is incredibly simple. Because that's how I learned. And that's how I think is the best way to learn. But that's not to say it's not going to be uncomfortable. Right. Because when we do anything new, it's uncomfortable, you have to learn how to sit with good feelings. And what I mean by sit is like, I always like, kind of do this, like grounding feeling. I kind of like bounce on my chair a bit. I'm like, Hey, no, I'm going to sit with this right now. I'm actually going to hold this emotion inside of my body. And like I said, this may be uncomfortable, especially if your journey thus far has been an over-focus on what's wrong and all the experiences that were negative and potentially even traumatic.
So let me give you an example of my journey. One of the thoughts that I had subconsciously running in my head was okay, well, if I'm not worrying about getting pregnant, then what else am I going to do? And I remember that I had reached a point where I said that I was done with suffering. And I'm a big believer that we do get to declare this on the fertility journey. Like Eckhart Tolle says, suffering is necessary until you realize it isn't. And so I asked the universe, if I'm not meant to focus on what's wrong and to suffer through this, then what do I do instead? And the universe said, and I sat with that question, right? And the universe said, play, love, experience, feel, fully receive what a human life has to offer. And from that moment forward, that's what I practiced. To sit with pleasure because sitting with it is receiving it. Just sit with a compliment from a friend, sit with an accomplishment at work. Sit with the love you share with your partner, sit with your family.
Really sit with positive emotions that eventually will become positive experiences. Sit with the emotions that come up. When you imagine holding your newborn baby in your arms. In other words, this is all about expanding your capacity to receive. To receive joy, pleasure, rest, positivity, good things, what's working. Now I know in a lot of women say, I don't know how to, I can't imagine myself pregnant or I can't imagine having my baby and it's, this is what you need to practice. You need to practice your capacity to receive, because right now you can't even hold that huge feeling. And so I teach that exact process on how to do this inside of Fertility Mind-Body Mastery.
Of course, this might be difficult at first, right? Because it's new and you might fall into old patterns because culturally, this is not yet normal. Right? If you see someone talking about how great things are, maybe you're like, what you got nothing bad going on? Like you think you can just talk and boost about everything that's going right. Right, like take note of the resistance you have around this type of thing, but lucky for you, even though this is a cultural norm, I have a solution for that. One of the most beneficial aspects of my six month group program, Fertility Mind-Body Mastery, besides providing you with all of these tools so you don't have to search anymore. It's just like, okay, what's next, cool doing this this week. Right. And all of this really is to create the optimal mind-body connection for the conception of your baby are the consistent weekly tune up coaching calls, six months of that. Right. Like, can you imagine how much that would transform your mind, your body and your nervous system when you give yourself that time. It takes a loving practice and consistency to rewire your brain and nervous system right back to safety. It's so, so easy to fall into old patterns, especially when our brain is literally programmed for. But FMBM, Fertility Mind-Body Mastery, we'll show you how to build trust.
And more importantly, really what this is, is safety and emotions that evoke pleasure without feeling the other shoe's going to drop, without feeling like this journey's about suffering, and I need to do better. All those thoughts, right? You will learn how to feel safe in rest, safe in vulnerability, safe to stop worrying about all the ways in which your fertility journey is not working. Sustaining the safety inside of positive emotions is a skill that needs to be consistently put forth because research shows that the longer that something is held in awareness and the more emotionally stimulating it is, the more neurons that fire and thus wire together, right? And then the stronger, the trace and memory. And when we have that memory, we build safety, which means that the easier and more natural, this will become inside of your mind and body. Right. When you go to imagine holding your baby, now, it feels safe and you open your mind and body up to it, right?
You can tell the difference. I know you can. So I don't know about you, but after the year and a half we've had, I'm craving that feeling of safety and security and coziness more than ever. I'm like, honestly, I'm like bring on the colder weather. I just want to be in my home right now and feel good and safe.
And we're worthy of that. We deserve that. And so are these babies who are about to come through, right? They want to feel allowed to be in that pleasure and that safety. So if you want this too, then I encourage you to apply for Fertility Mind-Body Mastery, which you can find the link to inside of my website, www.spenserbrassard.com.
Once you apply, if accepted, you'll receive an invite to watch a private training and I teach my exact three-part fertile framework on how to transform fertility mystery into fertility mastery. And in my opinion, as well as many who have watched it, that training alone is worth ridiculous value. So. I highly recommend doing that.
And it really is a beautiful way to receive more safety and simplicity in your journey and stop being a negativity bias. Right. Okay. So I can't wait to see your application. That is all for today. Lots of love.
Thanks for tuning in. If you want to fast track your mind-body connection, you can sign up for free fertility mindset trainings at www.spenserbrassard.com.